Accountability. Honestly, I had none two weeks ago and it burned me, badly. Here’s the thing, this is supposed to be my final LUTV Blog. Number 6 and in it I’m only assuming I should have answers to early asked questions. What I have is frustration and a craving to learn more.
Here is the situation. It was two Friday’s ago, the Friday before Thanksgiving break and I was producer. I had an anchor that was out of town, and both sports and weather not having talent with an hour to go until show time. Those spots were filled. I knew they would be. However, it was a rare moment where I thought if they don’t have to care then why should I. If the show tanks, it’s on them. I wasn’t nearly efficient as I usually am. I felt rushed. I think back on that show and it ran rather smoothly. A few bumps but nothing really unusual but what was apparent was my attitude.
Accountability. I used to get so frustrated with my mom growing up because I always felt she was so critical. There were few times when I felt I did something that met expectations and school was always more of a priority over having fun or being with friends. She talked a lot about how I act is a reflection on her and dad and there is a certain way you need to behave in public to have the respect of your peers. I hated all of that really. I never saw the need to invest so much effort into what others think of me.
I experienced that moment when I felt that I let those around me down and for the first time, I felt my brand was tainted. My brand? That’s crap! Why do I care about a brand, my image now. I mean after all this time of saying anything on my mind, no matter the situation is pretty rewarding. Everyone else is concerned about social tact and I’m over at the news desk pretending I’m a German chef from 1947. I just want to have fun, that’s all I’m saying. I don’t want to become dull.
I feel like when you dream as a child, those around you applaud but then you age and everyone is offended that you dared to be more than average.
Accountability. My point to all of this is, that I need to care because if I show that I don’t I lose the respect of those around me and whatever I’m putting my efforts towards will fail. I’m not sure if that is a realization I needed now. I feel I knew this but never had burnt myself so badly to where I needed to acknowledge it. I know what happened that day and I know I’m far better than that.
So what do I take away from the super semester?
I have a chance. The experience on camera, working with the community to develop my stories, and writing all contribute to my belief that with more time, I will acquire more skill and have chance at being beyond average. I’ve gotten tired of the idea of wanting to be the best. There is a different way of saying it, I believe.
I think back at all my times on camera and there are leaps and bounds to be made and my writing is not the most concise but good God I’ve gotten so much better. Considering the first time I did an interview for LPS last year I was shaking. I get in front of a camera now and I’m calm. Sure I need to work on my facial expressions and inflection when reading the teleprompter who doesn’t. I’m better than when I began and I feel that, no matter what degree of improvement, should be considered a success.
For one thing that has shown much improvement is my shooting. I’ve come back with some shots for weather and I couldn’t believe it was my work. How did this happen? Was it merely increased exposure with a camera? My stand-up for my Christmas light package – Oh my! That is a nice shot. Now, that isn’t said to brag or anything but I can tell you when I first transferred at Lindenwood, I could not have done that. I didn’t do one thing with television until I got to LU and now it’s all I want to do. I never tried because I was told I wouldn’t be capable. Well, after this semester, I want to take the risk and prove them wrong.
I don’t know where my end is whether if it is news or sports. Really, I don’t see that being an end, more like a launching pad. I’m a dreamer and I’m hard pressed to believe that is something to grow out of.